Friday, June 03, 2011

My Father.

The other day I got contacted by my Aunt who I have not seen in 25+ years. The sister to my Father a lovely lady. This brought about an overwhelming amount of emotion. Mostly in part due to an eventual meeting with my Father.

The last time I talked to my Father was when I was 13. I know certain obstacles were placed upon my Father and he reacted to them in the way he only knew. Yes eh could have chosen a different path. That is water under the bridge now.

The lack of a Father figure in my life has altered who I'am as an individual in many ways. In many ways some good some bad. I've wanted to meet him at least once in my lifetime. Now I have my opportunity. My mind is so clogged with thoughts and emotions I can't thoroughly explain.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Setting Goals

Within the past week while dealing with another down day of depression. I found for myself a way of defeating this depression and boosting my self esteem and self confidence. I cannot remember if this was or will be mentioned in any of the books I'm reading. It is really simple it is about setting goals. It seems obvious but when I for example have gone through a prolonged period of dealing with a lack of motivation. It was not to say easy.

Dr. Burns book 'Feeling Good' has been a tremendous help to me. One of his points in dealing with lack of motivation. Is that you have to start doing things to build up a desire to be motivated. So one of my goals that I had buried for too long was getting rid of the left over belongings of my Grandmother. Just seeing an endless pile of her belongings was very defeating mentally. I grew tired of waiting for my Mother to go through them and discard the unwanted items.

So in part with this goal of eliminating the items. I have forced myself to begin spending more time cleaning my condo and in this process eliminate her belongings.

It has been such a relief on my mind to fixate myself on a goal. It helps me to develop better focus. Provides a reason to get up get moving on with life. I know that if I get distracted and turn away it will spiral out of control.

I have created a list of goals. Personal which the above is one as well as creating other goals oriented at fulfilling what I want to get out of my life. Physical goals which will help bolster my health, appearance and overall well being. Financial goals which are the elimination of debt, saving up money and a purchasing goal.

Does this solve or better said eliminate my anxiety and depression. No. It has aided in the removal of them. It helps me to focus on a Positive outcome as opposed to letting my mind drift away in misery.

Essentially among other methods its transforming the mind and in a sense distracting it from distorted thoughts and refocusing it on Positive esteem and confidence builders. I'm sure over time I will modify and create new goals. So far for me this has been very helpful to me.

Sunday, December 05, 2010

The greatest mystery of the universe..??

Doc: The time-traveling is just too dangerous. Better that I devote myself to study the other great mystery of the universe: women!
Back to the Future 2

Woman our other half are the greatest mystery known to man. Actually it's more of what they think about or are thinking that drives men, or more specifically me up the frackin wall. I admit due to my shyness and reluctantly fear I'm not exactly brimming with vast amounts of experience when dealing with the opposite sex.

My last and only resort with woman I become interested in is to cower back into just being the funny guy they like but would never consider as actual relationship material.

It's funny even from one fellow man in particular who go to for advice still struggles with this great mystery. Men like myself like being told, where woman expect men to read their mind and know what they want.

I've had girls I've been really interested in and somewhat pursued. One that I thought I could never live without because I ended up being used which I was aware. To gather intel on another guy she liked. Due to feeling I knew her way better than this guy I made my move. Boy did that cause a cluster Frack! Never make that mistake again.

Their was another girl I would go do things with alot. But when their was moments where I "should" have said something. I retreated due to the above prior incident. Things were going so well I didn't want to ruin that.

I've had over the years met girls on MB's or recently online sites. Their was one girl I really liked that lived in New Zealand but she wanted me to convert to Mormonism. I could not due that. Not just out of the fact that I had strong disagreements with those beliefs. You just can't force a change in belief like that. It will backfire and not be beneficial for either party as one would only be believing in name only and not in their heart. At least now as side note due to my deceased Grandmother''s advice to not be picky about girl who is not a Christian. I have come to accept this advice. At time I was too arrogant about this particular issue.

I had another girl I met through a chat room a very pretty brunette in California. She ended up moving to Australia and marrying some army guy down under. Another one bites the dust.

Their was a girl I worked with which was my type short but no shorter than 5 feet and Philipino. That almost worked out but she started off a bit to clingy for me to handle. Were friends now and thats ok.

I've been contacted numerous times by girls online on sites like POF or OKCupid. Most are single mommy's. Now it's not that these single mothers are bad people. I just don't feel like raising another mans kids. I want to if I'm so fortunate to savor my time with my "girlfriend" before a kid comes into the picture. Even then I'm not in any rush to make my love donation and have one pop out of her loven oven.

Their are girls who are not single mother's but don't have similar interests that I have. I know that your never going to like everything. But damn you got to have some things in common!! Sex is not the only part of a relationship. Not that I'm exactly an expert there. I don't believe girls who tell me that their dorks but yet have nothing that expounds that aspect of there character in their profile.

After my Thanksgiving/Black Friday emotional meltdown of dealing with loneliness and realizing I don't want to live my life alone. I know now more clearly what I want in a future girlfriend. I want a long term relationship with someone I'm compatible with.

If I could make a list of what I want in a lady:
Must love animals but you don't need to be a vet. As long as you consider cats/dogs family were good.
Must like the following video games, reading preferably sci/fi - fantasy, not afraid to pick up a comic book, not afraid to go spend hours in a bookstore or venture into Toys' R us just for the heck of it.
Must have a good taste in Movies and TV my list is too long.
Must like to drink. I don't want to be around a recovering alcoholic because I need to drink. It helps me open up and feel better!
If she likes Cigars that would be Sweet if not I'll stand in the cold alone.

On a more personal subject of mine. One that I would say has altered how I believe and why I like nerdy geeky things. Not just because nerdy geeky things challenge you to think like Philip K Dick for example. I find that I'm attracted to nerdy geeky things as a form of escapism. To distract momentarily from the how terrible life can be. Despite my at times outgoing personality and sense of humor which often I "fake".

I wear a mask so people don't see how frail and weak I'am because if they did they would reject me. One of the greatest fears of anyone is a fear of rejection. I've always been a loner type. In a sense similar to my current cat Bobbi who does not want to be alone but yet does not quite fit in. I often due to my depression make the mistake of being friends with shitty people who use me and I put up with it because i have no one else who will pay any attention to me. I have made considerable progress here and now have much fewer friends. But in reality they were not really friends to being with!

I need someone who can relate and understand what depression is. What it's like to live with and to be partners in helping one another manage this deadly issue. I do mean deadly because it has at times driven me to points where I've wanted to end my own life. For some reason I find excuses to live.

I don't want excuses I want to live for another person. I want to care for and love someone.

I hope I find that. Sometimes it's just not meant to be. Sometimes.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep: Dust to Dust!

Is a Prequel to "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep" obviously. I'm excited due to this being officially sanction by the PKD Estate but hesitant due to how this will affect the overall story.

Preview Here

Thursday, July 30, 2009

World's Best Cat Litter


Is the really the World's Best!

Never thought I would say I actually enjoy cleaning out the cat's litter box. But now I do. After using Pine which was ok. I had major problems with urine clumping up in the front of the box and the small was like ammonia!!

WBCL use's corn which is safe for cat's to digest when they clean. The best part is that when using a cat scooper the corn litter fall's through the scooper much quicker due to it's small size.

The major benefit is how the corn litter wraps around urine and feces. Specifically urine due to it being a naturally wet substance will not leak around the box. The corn litter clumps up the litter into a small clump instead of spreading all over the front of the box.

This also help's with the odor issue I had. That is now gone!

I would Highly Recommend this product!!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? by P.K.D.


BOOM! Comics is adapting the amazing novel by Philip K. Dick into a 24 issue Comic Book Series. Of course this is the same novel that was re-imagined into the Sci-Noir Cult Classic Blade Runner. I will definitely check this one out!!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

21 Polo Horse's die!

News Link!

This is truly sad. I blame the owners for trying to put together a drug combination together they apparently were not qualified or capable of doing. But most of all this stink's with Government Intervention. Since the almighty FDA had not given their stamp of approval; which is worth less than the declining value of our paper dollar. These Horses were not able to get the drug their owners felt they needed.

Just another example of the ineffectiveness of the FDA and the continuing cycle of Government interference into a society based upon Freedom. Though the owners freely chose to take an action that killed their own horses which suffered more than anyone else through this.