Friday, June 03, 2011

My Father.

The other day I got contacted by my Aunt who I have not seen in 25+ years. The sister to my Father a lovely lady. This brought about an overwhelming amount of emotion. Mostly in part due to an eventual meeting with my Father.

The last time I talked to my Father was when I was 13. I know certain obstacles were placed upon my Father and he reacted to them in the way he only knew. Yes eh could have chosen a different path. That is water under the bridge now.

The lack of a Father figure in my life has altered who I'am as an individual in many ways. In many ways some good some bad. I've wanted to meet him at least once in my lifetime. Now I have my opportunity. My mind is so clogged with thoughts and emotions I can't thoroughly explain.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Setting Goals

Within the past week while dealing with another down day of depression. I found for myself a way of defeating this depression and boosting my self esteem and self confidence. I cannot remember if this was or will be mentioned in any of the books I'm reading. It is really simple it is about setting goals. It seems obvious but when I for example have gone through a prolonged period of dealing with a lack of motivation. It was not to say easy.

Dr. Burns book 'Feeling Good' has been a tremendous help to me. One of his points in dealing with lack of motivation. Is that you have to start doing things to build up a desire to be motivated. So one of my goals that I had buried for too long was getting rid of the left over belongings of my Grandmother. Just seeing an endless pile of her belongings was very defeating mentally. I grew tired of waiting for my Mother to go through them and discard the unwanted items.

So in part with this goal of eliminating the items. I have forced myself to begin spending more time cleaning my condo and in this process eliminate her belongings.

It has been such a relief on my mind to fixate myself on a goal. It helps me to develop better focus. Provides a reason to get up get moving on with life. I know that if I get distracted and turn away it will spiral out of control.

I have created a list of goals. Personal which the above is one as well as creating other goals oriented at fulfilling what I want to get out of my life. Physical goals which will help bolster my health, appearance and overall well being. Financial goals which are the elimination of debt, saving up money and a purchasing goal.

Does this solve or better said eliminate my anxiety and depression. No. It has aided in the removal of them. It helps me to focus on a Positive outcome as opposed to letting my mind drift away in misery.

Essentially among other methods its transforming the mind and in a sense distracting it from distorted thoughts and refocusing it on Positive esteem and confidence builders. I'm sure over time I will modify and create new goals. So far for me this has been very helpful to me.

Friday, May 20, 2011

The future never looked better....

I had my appointment with my Doctor the other day to follow up on blood test results that showed I had a 230 level of Testosterone. The normal range for a male is 300-1000 and being 29 though uncommon I should not be experiencing low levels. I received my first injection that day and also started taking a natural supplement of DIM and Calcium D-Glucarate which help metabolize good estrogen and expel bad estrogen.

My anxiety and depression levels have dropped significantly. Not saying in anyway that these issues are obsolete. Combined with working hard on creating correct thoughts and removing distorted thoughts from my mind. Working everyday to clean up my home and getting rid of my grandmothers belongings left behind after she passed away. Becoming more social, correcting my walking posture and working on personal relationships. I can say I have made tremendous strides in grabbing my anxiety and depression by the balls and kicking its ass to the curb!!

I have a personal "Advisor" who I cannot thank enough for this persons support and ability to reveal things in me that I either ignored or did not see.

An odd thing that has occurred is my "nerdy" side though in some ways still there as part of my personality has been diminished. It's amazing but I can finally say that I have begun to feel like my old "normal" self. My habits have evolved as a result of the changes in my life.

I prefer to spend my time cleaning, going for walks, working out and reading. I have always loved reading but recently I have become more motivated to read. To personally acquire knowledge is one of the most rewarding things a person in my opinion can do. I have always liked playing video games and watching tv or a movie. These two things don't satisfy as much as they used to.

Maybe this is part due to learning how both can negatively effect the frontal lobe and that biblio-therapy or reading in general has more positive benefits. I learned this after coming to an understanding I had caffeine intoxication due to my addiction to the substance. I have "Lord Willing" never had an addiction to alcohol, drugs or smoking. With alcohol and smoking I have been able to just stop either. I love smoking cigars but have not touched them for about two to three weeks. This is also probably due to learning that both alcohol and smoking create the growth of bad estrogen in my body.

Thank's to Dr. David Burns book "Intimate Connections" it has helped me come to an understanding and belief that I do not "need" love but rather "want" love. This is a process that is hard to rid myself of but I'm getting there. Along with feeling more normal and like my old self which was independent. I have come to enjoy being alone not as a recluse that people fear will turn into serial killer etc.

To find that I love myself that this love comes from within. That I can be happy because I find happiness from within. Today was a beautiful day almost 70 and clear. Going for a long walk downtown Kirkland with my dog Teddi brought a lot of enjoyment which then I felt happy. I realized that I want to one day share my love, happiness and life with someone. Preferably one who is my best friend. It was nice visualizing this potential future experience and hopefully it will manifest itself for me.

Friday, May 13, 2011

What is Self Esteem?

Currently reading two book's by Dr. David Burns who pioneered a psychological school of thought known as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Essentially as stated in my previous post Thoughts lead to Emotions. I have found his books and this school of thought to be very beneficial in re-developing my mind to be more independent and logical.

To sum up the reason why I have anxiety and depression though both of these are fading away presently thanks in part to a lot of hard and smart work. Is due to my own distorted thoughts which lead to negative emotions. Thus causing my anxiety and depression.

One could postulate that events cause anxiety and depression. A great quote that was written on the back board near my break room at The Home Depot stated "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it". A very well said quote.

Another quote I would like to mention comes from Dr. David Burns in his book 'Intimate Connections' a book about establishing satisfaction in being an individual whether alone or involved with a significant other. It is also used to help develop those like myself who have been plagued by self imposed loneliness. Which is a distorted way of thinking and creates low self esteem and low self confidence. By creating a plan of action to develop self worth which sends off positive sub conscious signals to potential mates.

The quote is about Self Esteem, "The essence of Self Esteem is to treat yourself with the same objectivity and compassion you would extend to a friend". Just like the golden rule "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

I never thought of defining Self Esteem this way and it makes a lot of sense. In general I'm more compassionate towards others than myself. In fact I tear myself down on a regular basis. Though this is changing on a daily basis. Hard work and never giving up or in pay off great dividends.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Coming Home

It's been almost five months since I left day shift. Five of some of the most amazing and difficult months of my life. To borrow a phrase from Batman Begins "Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up again!" One of I'm sure many phrases with relevance to my experiences these past five months.

These experiences are built upon the previous 28 years of personal experience. If I am tossed down in order to learn what was secretly hidden within myself all this time. Then I have gained knowledge of who I am and begun the process of understanding why I have gone through these life altering experiences.

Experience is only worth something to me if I gained the wisdom to avoid the pitfalls that got me to fall down in the first place. Ultimately thoughts, emotions and behavior are the cause of my fall. There is a close secondary cause which is learned behavior.

In the end my own distorted thoughts which then lead to distorted emotions and then distorted behavior that leads to the cause of my fall. Responsibility alone lies with me to correct this.

Learned behavior enhances my thoughts, emotions and behavior. The most powerful thing to learn is to strengthen my mind so that it is not manipulated by others distorted thoughts, emotions and behavior.

It is a difficult but rewarding task to develop self reliance. Learning that I do not need Love or Approval. Rather I want Love and I want the approval of the one I choose to Love. Whether it be a family member, friend or significant other.

Sunday, December 05, 2010

The greatest mystery of the universe..??

Doc: The time-traveling is just too dangerous. Better that I devote myself to study the other great mystery of the universe: women!
Back to the Future 2

Woman our other half are the greatest mystery known to man. Actually it's more of what they think about or are thinking that drives men, or more specifically me up the frackin wall. I admit due to my shyness and reluctantly fear I'm not exactly brimming with vast amounts of experience when dealing with the opposite sex.

My last and only resort with woman I become interested in is to cower back into just being the funny guy they like but would never consider as actual relationship material.

It's funny even from one fellow man in particular who go to for advice still struggles with this great mystery. Men like myself like being told, where woman expect men to read their mind and know what they want.

I've had girls I've been really interested in and somewhat pursued. One that I thought I could never live without because I ended up being used which I was aware. To gather intel on another guy she liked. Due to feeling I knew her way better than this guy I made my move. Boy did that cause a cluster Frack! Never make that mistake again.

Their was another girl I would go do things with alot. But when their was moments where I "should" have said something. I retreated due to the above prior incident. Things were going so well I didn't want to ruin that.

I've had over the years met girls on MB's or recently online sites. Their was one girl I really liked that lived in New Zealand but she wanted me to convert to Mormonism. I could not due that. Not just out of the fact that I had strong disagreements with those beliefs. You just can't force a change in belief like that. It will backfire and not be beneficial for either party as one would only be believing in name only and not in their heart. At least now as side note due to my deceased Grandmother''s advice to not be picky about girl who is not a Christian. I have come to accept this advice. At time I was too arrogant about this particular issue.

I had another girl I met through a chat room a very pretty brunette in California. She ended up moving to Australia and marrying some army guy down under. Another one bites the dust.

Their was a girl I worked with which was my type short but no shorter than 5 feet and Philipino. That almost worked out but she started off a bit to clingy for me to handle. Were friends now and thats ok.

I've been contacted numerous times by girls online on sites like POF or OKCupid. Most are single mommy's. Now it's not that these single mothers are bad people. I just don't feel like raising another mans kids. I want to if I'm so fortunate to savor my time with my "girlfriend" before a kid comes into the picture. Even then I'm not in any rush to make my love donation and have one pop out of her loven oven.

Their are girls who are not single mother's but don't have similar interests that I have. I know that your never going to like everything. But damn you got to have some things in common!! Sex is not the only part of a relationship. Not that I'm exactly an expert there. I don't believe girls who tell me that their dorks but yet have nothing that expounds that aspect of there character in their profile.

After my Thanksgiving/Black Friday emotional meltdown of dealing with loneliness and realizing I don't want to live my life alone. I know now more clearly what I want in a future girlfriend. I want a long term relationship with someone I'm compatible with.

If I could make a list of what I want in a lady:
Must love animals but you don't need to be a vet. As long as you consider cats/dogs family were good.
Must like the following video games, reading preferably sci/fi - fantasy, not afraid to pick up a comic book, not afraid to go spend hours in a bookstore or venture into Toys' R us just for the heck of it.
Must have a good taste in Movies and TV my list is too long.
Must like to drink. I don't want to be around a recovering alcoholic because I need to drink. It helps me open up and feel better!
If she likes Cigars that would be Sweet if not I'll stand in the cold alone.

On a more personal subject of mine. One that I would say has altered how I believe and why I like nerdy geeky things. Not just because nerdy geeky things challenge you to think like Philip K Dick for example. I find that I'm attracted to nerdy geeky things as a form of escapism. To distract momentarily from the how terrible life can be. Despite my at times outgoing personality and sense of humor which often I "fake".

I wear a mask so people don't see how frail and weak I'am because if they did they would reject me. One of the greatest fears of anyone is a fear of rejection. I've always been a loner type. In a sense similar to my current cat Bobbi who does not want to be alone but yet does not quite fit in. I often due to my depression make the mistake of being friends with shitty people who use me and I put up with it because i have no one else who will pay any attention to me. I have made considerable progress here and now have much fewer friends. But in reality they were not really friends to being with!

I need someone who can relate and understand what depression is. What it's like to live with and to be partners in helping one another manage this deadly issue. I do mean deadly because it has at times driven me to points where I've wanted to end my own life. For some reason I find excuses to live.

I don't want excuses I want to live for another person. I want to care for and love someone.

I hope I find that. Sometimes it's just not meant to be. Sometimes.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

What a week!

After a rather horrible Thanksgiving to tonights rescue assist of a stray pit running across traffic. I just don't know what to say. Very emotional week.

Thanksgiving sucked. I still don't know if my Mom understands that but at least were on good terms now. Still uncomfortable with her new man. Maybe not him per se but circumstances around that.

I hope what I write makes some sort of sense my mind races from thought to thought and I'm no sooner thinking about one thing my mind strays off to another. On a positive note the stress that was causing my Irritable Bowel Syndrome which for me causes me intense pain to being on the verge of passing out, seems to have subsided.

Also for some reason the depression I've been dealing with for God knows how long at least lately appears to be managing fairly well. It's there every day but lately it seem's to not be creeping it's ugly head out much. That with trying to be good about taking SAMe a supplement that really is the only thing that has truly worked for me in this area. I was on anti-depressants and that just drove me crazy. I'm not saying anti-depressants can't work for other people it just never agreed with me. Between keeping me up for 3 straight days and no sleep, chronic headaches and just wearing off way to soon I could not handle that anymore.

Black Friday was the first time I worked that day for my current employer. It is also the start of Snowflake Lane and the street parade arrival of Santa Claus. A ton of people massive amounts of people. Get to work and I get assigned a case right off the bat. Which was not too bad it did take up a few hours of my time. I do like writing case reports. Mostly to get some type of acknowledgement that my writing skills have improved.

We had 4 or 5 medicals all of which required me to run to or assist in some manner. Which is alot for one night. It's not unusual that I have a night like that but not often. The last one was crazy. When me and a coworker were told that the patient for our last medical was not breathing we hauled ass so fast I thought I was going to die. By the time I got there. CPR was being performed. Having done CPR once before and being trained in it. I asked the man doing if he wanted to tap out and let me take over. He declined and I let it go so I didn't disturb his rhythm.

After being told to retrieve the AED which was completely across to the other side of the property I was working at. I began to book it there with another coworker. Thankfully someone grabbed it and we met half way. But in that moment panic set in. Now I have been through these situations before. My chest was aching with pain from the intense running. My emotions suffocating from the intense feelings of loneliness on Thanksgiving. It was in that moment that the loner inside me that said many times before that I'll be ok on my own completely withdrew.

I was overwhelmed with sadness. It was in that moment that I realized I don't want to be alone. I don't want to die alone. I also realized through so many vain attempts at meeting a potential girlfriend online, what I truly want in a girlfriend. I want someone I can relate to and that I'm not afraid to be and like the things I do. I don't want a cheap relationship based upon using each other for ones own gain. I hope I find that person. I took me a few minutes to slow down and begin the process of calming down. I told myself if I ever wanted to be a supervisor at my job which is still very much my goal. I need to set the tone in all situations especially these. Seeing the patient completely blue and very near death if not there already. Shook me up. No matter how many times I go through this and granted it's not a regular occurrence you cannot go away from it without being affected.

The rest of the work week went more back to normal and rather uneventful. Which was nice considering the busyness of Friday night. There is one more thing. I did something which I will be very brief about without going into any details. What I did shocked me. I never in my mind thought I would ever be able to accomplish. I sit her stunned at times just thinking about it. If I were to mention it I'm sure some would think I'm rather pathetic and a coward for having not done this sooner. But as mentioned above when you have dealt with years of depression. It affects you for sure in so many ways. When it was over I never felt happier than that moment. I realized things about me that brought a new set of confidence. That maybe I'm doing better than I think. I hope so.

I feel good right now. I know it own't last forever but maybe just maybe it won't completely leave either.